Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

United Steaks of America

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

when someone rings the doorbell

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars