Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together