“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
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The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I hope Alan is OK