Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

fr

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?