Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings