Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
on da cob, we all corn
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
How to make infinite energy.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.