Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
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There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg