Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
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I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
bad news gang
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
This made me smile…
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.