Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
You Might Also Like
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.