Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
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museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs