Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
