everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”