Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!