Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.