everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
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I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My blood type is coffee.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.