Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
meow
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out