Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

getting old is fun

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.