Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

This is me

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.