Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?