Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*limbos under the caution tape
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
