Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
