Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
house sitting!
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’m sorry…what?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
