[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift
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If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.