“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift

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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics


I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.


Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.


Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it


ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”


“Hey Fred”
Yeah Barney?
“The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band”
Yeah but ABBA do!


Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.


I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.


Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.