@ItsAndyRyan

“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift

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@Darlainky

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

@meganamram

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

@KeetPotato

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

@iamspacegirl

my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@KMoFlo_official

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.