Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Good for him.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Britain be like
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14