Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap