Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
LOOOOOOL
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby