Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks