Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”