Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.