Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good