Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.