Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
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DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.