Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
You Might Also Like
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
crying
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”