Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.