Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.