Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.