Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin