Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.