Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.