Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.