everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.