Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.