Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too