Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I have no passwords left in me
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.