Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.