Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Iâll write Iâll write Iâll write.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
When I wished for simpler times, I didnât mean peopleâs IQs
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still canât figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Jurassic park gets weird
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta myâ
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” đ
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I hate when people say ânext time youâre in my neck of the woodsâ
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
whatâs a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that youâll silkscreen on a body pillow?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said âCan you get the trash out of my bed?â So I went to his room and showed him thereâs no trash and he said, exasperated, âWhy would there be trash in my bed?â then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.