@SaveItForFest

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

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@AristotlesNZ

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn’t recognize her with her mouth closed.

@Mz_Cake_Vodka

My ex got run down by a bus today.

I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”

But I can’t drive a bus.

@Kateness8

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

@GrantTanaka

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

@AndrewChamings

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

@LindaInDisguise

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

@junejuly12

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

@quikkim

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.