Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn’t recognize her with her mouth closed.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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My ex got run down by a bus today.
I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”
But I can’t drive a bus.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: Green please
God: All gone
Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone
Me: Whatever, just make them big
Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.