[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER