@SaveItForFest

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

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@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@simoncholland

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

@realfunghi

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

@okimstillhungry

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

@longwall26

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

@nealbrennan

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

@KKAlThani

LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER