Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
You Might Also Like
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*