Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
it be like that
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%