Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Just a phase…

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.