Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Good morning ☺️
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
shakira sharkira
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
this is what they would have looked like, though
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.