Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm