@omgshuddup

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

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@ArfMeasures

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

@amphy1981

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

@alan_maguire

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

@AmericanGent69

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

@maybe_jenna

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

@amselts

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

@WilliamAder

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.