Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
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When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.