Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it