I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.