Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
this was very charming
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter