Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
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*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
#gardening
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Zack Greinke stories are the best
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
it’s finally my moment to shine
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned