Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Smells like a challenge to me

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.