Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

lol

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

airing out the snack pack

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.