Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

Love thy neighbor’s dog

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police