Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!


Me: Did you use my highlighter?





2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.


None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.


That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…


My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.


Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe


women dont read this…
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us


Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.


I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.