@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

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@loribuckmajor

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

@SeveredSonsDnD

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

@iwearaonesie

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

@tchrquotes

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@Daps_95

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

@3sunzzz

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

@robin_991

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

@ScottLinnen

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

@BoomBoomBetty

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

@isabelzawtun

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80