@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

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@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@SexyInsomniac

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

@ElleOhHell

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

@ShutUpThatsWho

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

@dznyella

me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@SaraMansford

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

@hunz74

“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”