@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

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@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

@rynbtmn

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

@junejuly12

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

@andytwined

I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.