Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
This was a bad idea all around
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “