Everyone in the gym on January 1st
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
What number SPF blocks people?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
i wish we could shoplift online
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls