Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
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Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Here’s a meme
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
groan^2
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.