Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
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man: wait
time: no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)