Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
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Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Best table by far
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.