Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or