Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”