Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
She was REALLY feeling it.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..