Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You Might Also Like
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
i want it utterly assaulted.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.