Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You Might Also Like
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Cha-ching is my safe word
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head