Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
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cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox