Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Wait for it
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”