Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.